Peace Like A River

A dear friend of mine once told me, “You are intelligent, but you are not wise.” Has anyone ever said something like that to you and you felt annoyed, because it wasn't a compliment and you're not sure how to take that?! At the time, the summer of 1984, when he said that, I was in the muck of a relationship that I knew in my head was better to end, but I didn't know how exactly to get out of. I didn't know then what I know now about domestic violence and I wasn't strong enough (or mad enough) to strike out on my own. It wasn't until 1993 that I finally left for good. I am and will always be grateful to my Aunt Joan for taking me in then. It was a lifesaver for me because I was able, day by day, to work at turning my life into my own life.

He once told me, after keeping me up all night with his alcohol-induced rants, that he “wouldn't hit me if I was his little queenie.” I wasn't the Playboy model he had hoped for. Behind his back I started looking for validation from every good looking stud of a guy I could find. Funny, he's said a couple of other things to me that stung, and are the subjects of another blog.

He was a “river rat”, and I became part of “the club” of river people and there began my affair with rivers. Tina Turner's rendition of the rolling on the river song finally made sense to me. For years after that, I lived in river towns. Even now, I live in a river town. I love the water, love to swim, be at the beach or near a body of water somehow. I'm a water sign, and even though water could have taken my life a couple of times, I'm drawn to it like a fish.

Once, I received a baseball sized lump on my shin from a rock in the Kankakee river. There's still a pea-sized indentation on the spot. Another time, I walked on a railroad bridge (with the aforementioned river rat) over the DesPlaines river and set off a very large rocket. That was one of the scarier things for me to do, given the space between railroad tracks (which was air above the river) and the fact that I'm afraid of heights. One time, when I lived next to a creek, the creek flooded so much that spring that the water level rose quite a way up the hill, bringing debree with the rushing waters. It lasted for days because it kept raining and we were all quite relieved when the water level went back to normal.

One day recently, I was reading a book that went along with a bible study that I was taking on obedience. The author was making a reference. “The prophet Isaiah writes, 'If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea' (Isaiah 48:18). Did you catch the treasure hidden here? One of the most radical blessings for the woman saying yes to God is the peace that rushes through the soul of the one who is attentive to the Lord's commands.” from Lysa Terkeurst's, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God, p. 84. Oh, page 84. When it wasn't mentioned by the leader in class, I raised my hand after I was sure she had moved on and brought the point up. Ms. Lysa makes a very good point.

This relates to another blog May Day regarding events surrounding by daughter's birth. Her father said he was going out for a cigarette when we arrived at the hospital. I had been in labor for 20 hours at that point and was physically worn out and stressed. He didn't come back, embarrassing me and hurting me so badly that I have never since let him get too close to me, to be able to hurt me like that again. He abandoned us there, fighting for our lives, to go smoke crack. After another 6 hours and still I wasn't dilating to the point to give birth, my daughter became distressed after the amniotic sack broke and she was ready but my body wouldn't cooperate. It almost killed both of us. At 2 o'clock in the morning, they gave me an epidural. At 4 o'clock in the morning, I called Joan, our family friend, to come. After she arrived, we waited. I fell asleep for 2 hours, awakened by the doctor and nurses rushing in to prep me for surgery. They took Joan aside and told her we may not make it. They got me in the operating room and began to work on me. It was surreal. I didn't get to hold my daughter after she was born because they tie your arms to the operating table. No one tells you that. They showed her to me, but I didn't get to spend much time with her at all. They rushed her to get her cleaned up and able to breathe, because she had filled with fluids during her crisis, and they were trying to save her life. I lay there helplessly, wanting to hear that everything was ok, which was agonizing. She looked relieved but tired when I finally saw her. We were both relieved. The whole ordeal lasted around 36 hours.

I was so angry at Mr. Wonderful, I literally cried and cursed at the same time. I cried so many tears, finally there wasn't any left. When he finally called at 10:30 on May 1st, I could barely speak to him. When he finally came at 2:00, he didn't have flowers or anything, another sting. He had a guy I didn't know with him, who had a camera. He stayed about a half hour. I was bitter by then. Later that night, a nurse listened to me. She was so kind to me. She convinced me that my daughter needed me and I should concentrate on that, no matter what happened with him. She was correct.

I slept that night. I had a dream that became the reason I named my daughter the name she has. I was dreaming that I was approaching a picnic down by the river. Delighted by this, I noticed that a man was showing me the picnic and the river, his arm outstretched as if to say, here we are! I looked at him, and he was smilling, but I couldn't quite make out his face. I looked towards the river and started to walk towards it, happy. It was a sunny and warm place, with the sounds of happy people nearby. Right at that moment, I heard someone shout, “Tabitha Rae!”. I woke up, looking around the room, but the door was closed and I was alone. It was 5 a.m. I decided that whoever yelled the name, because the sound came from the left, and the angel guy was on my right, wanted me to know the name. I figured it was a sign, so that's what I named her. When she was in my arms, I felt a calm come over me, like everything was going to be all right.

Every day presents its own challenges, but I wouldn't trade my girl for all the gold there was. Now that I realize that the guy in that dream is the same man who later would call me to walk with him on the road, Jesus. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I put the pieces together. Jesus' peace is like a river, and no matter what you're going through, how bad you feel, you can choose to embrace that. It is so, so difficult sometimes though, I'll be the first to admit. Finding that peace and tapping into that calm can be a challenge, but now, since I know, I really feel loved.

The following night I had another dream. This one was the same guy showing me a kind of movie screen, where I was shown a big, fancy wedding in a big fancy church. I even heard the music, and it sounded like Bach. When I asked if this was my daughter, the man nodded “yes”. I watched, soaking it all in, but it was a brief moment. I felt very blessed to be shown that. I realize that this all must sound crazy, but let me assure you that truth is stranger than fiction and I am telling the truth. We were saved from the jaws of death, her and I, together loved by God and comforted by Jesus. We are family and I feel blessed beyond belief. Thank You God and Jesus for sticking by us! Thanks to all who have helped us along the way. God bless you all and give your kid(s) a big hug today, if you can, because a child is a gift and like God, they love us unconditionally. A few weeks ago, my daughter said something to me that I'll part with. She said, “When I was up in heaven, and I had a choice of who to pick to be my Mom, and out of everyone, I picked you.” Still brings tears. I'm finally good enough.