Commitment. Some people fear it. Others embrace it. Sometimes being commited to a plan is very, very difficult, other times it can be joyful. I guess it depends on your perspective.
In 2004, when I gave birth to my daughter, I made a lifetime commitment to her to be her mother. I have to say that it felt like such an honor to be chosen to be the mother of that wonderful girl who has given me such immeasurable joy. Every day, when I look into her eyes, I reaffirm my commitment to raising the best kid that I am humanly able to raise. Every day that I get up and get going, I don't feel as though I get up for my own reasons. I get up for her. I get up because there's no way in hell I'm going to let life pass by without giving everything I've got.
I'm making a new commitment today and I'm excited to tell you all what it is. First, the backstory.
My daughter's father was an addict. He chose to check out of our lives and left me holding the ball. I took the ball and ran as fast and as hard as I could to keep moving forward. Four years went by. I supported us the best that I could and when he got out of prison (allegedly a reformed human being, and I use the term loosely), he made all kinds of promises to me. He promised to help us out, he promised to be a faithful, drug-free man who would love us and make up for all the pain and suffering he caused us. He was all talk, because for the last year, he has been living at his sister's apartment, and for most of that year, he wasn't able to find a job. Then when he finally got a job, he promised that he'd help me out. He feels justified in "helping out when he could afford it", which has been twice in the last two months, totalling $150.00. What happened to the rest of the money? Well, he feels justified in spending it on whatever he feels, because he is working and I am not.
Then, in his "just" mind, he would call me up and ask me "What's goin' on?" every other day or so, like I had to report to him. He would tell me that he loved me, ask when he could come out, and expect us to drop whatever we were doing whenever he beckoned. This went on for a long time. I waited for some commitment, some overture of romance (flowers?--never), a date night, some kind of substantial help, anything to prove his intentions besides the words which he spoke, which, we all know, are cheap. Love is action, not words. Action isn't something he's really good at. He's much better at cheap talk.
Fast forward to last month. I was tired of being blown off or having to ask for help from him for stuff that rightfully, he owed us. I filed for child support. All I got from him was guilt, anger and manipulation, including the "we ought to be a family" BS. Then, out of the blue, last weekend, he told me that he "missed me, he loves us, he's lonely, he doesn't talk to anyone but us, and he's tired of being alone". Fine, I thought. I called him and invited him to come over because I wanted to sit down and talk to him. I actually felt that he was being honest. My mistake. Two days later, I needed help with some money for groceries. I was disappointed that he didn't offer anything. I knew he had been paid, but yet there was no talk of sending us anything. I was angry. I called him up. He said, "You must be angry about my Facebook page". What?! I went online and looked up his page, and saw that he changed his relationship status to "in a relationship". I thought he was talking about me. I was wrong. He wasn't. To say that he ripped my heart (again) in two would be an understatement. I felt betrayed. I was knocked down and kicked in the teeth. I had been faithful to him for the last ten years, but it was not reciprocated.
So here's my point. Today, I am making a commitment to myself and my daughter. The next time I ask God to bring me a man, I am going to be more specific. I am going to make sure that I include "loyal, kind and generous" in my prayer. I believe that's where I went wrong.
This experience has been terribly painful for me, and has been a blow to my daughter, who all this time was hoping that her father and I would get back together and be a family. It was a blow to her too. She listened to his promises and was disappointed. He had the nerve to ask me, "How long did you think I'd wait?". I think he owes me at least ten years.
I am commited today, and for the duration, to working out every other day, on top of the bike riding and walking that I already do, because I quit smoking two years to dance again. I've been waiting my whole adult life to dance like I used to, and I'm in good shape, but I know that I can do better. I want to be a knock-out, with men chasing me like they used to, and be confident like I used to be, before I met the liar. In my twenties and thirties, I could have any man I wanted, and I often did, aside from the eight years that I chose to be celibate.
A very long time ago, when I was eighteen, I sat next to a very attractive jazz musician in my Business Law class in college. He was sweet on me. He was gorgeous and smart and kind. Instead of choosing him, I chose the asshole who beat on me. It was one of the biggest mistakes that I have ever made. I settled. I won't ever make that mistake again. NEVER SETTLE!!!!!
Another commitment I have made is to go back to school and update my training to become a paralegal. I've already enrolled in the program, and am currently working on the process of getting it going. I have a B.A. already, and the paralegal program would put me in the professional circles that I want to be in. I will NEVER, EVER again, settle for anything less than what I deserve, because folks, life is short. I'm 47 now, and I'm not going to waste another minute of time on a man who is less than what I want.
I'm loyal, Christian, a vegetarian, a great mom, hard working and faithful. I deserve the best that life and God have to offer, and ladies, I know you're great and deserve more too. Bad things happen to good people, it's true, but I'm a scrapper and I have TREMENDOUS faith that my life is just beginning, beginning with a commitment to live a better life. I encourage you all to make the most of this life. Don't waste your time settling for less.
In 2004, when I gave birth to my daughter, I made a lifetime commitment to her to be her mother. I have to say that it felt like such an honor to be chosen to be the mother of that wonderful girl who has given me such immeasurable joy. Every day, when I look into her eyes, I reaffirm my commitment to raising the best kid that I am humanly able to raise. Every day that I get up and get going, I don't feel as though I get up for my own reasons. I get up for her. I get up because there's no way in hell I'm going to let life pass by without giving everything I've got.
I'm making a new commitment today and I'm excited to tell you all what it is. First, the backstory.
My daughter's father was an addict. He chose to check out of our lives and left me holding the ball. I took the ball and ran as fast and as hard as I could to keep moving forward. Four years went by. I supported us the best that I could and when he got out of prison (allegedly a reformed human being, and I use the term loosely), he made all kinds of promises to me. He promised to help us out, he promised to be a faithful, drug-free man who would love us and make up for all the pain and suffering he caused us. He was all talk, because for the last year, he has been living at his sister's apartment, and for most of that year, he wasn't able to find a job. Then when he finally got a job, he promised that he'd help me out. He feels justified in "helping out when he could afford it", which has been twice in the last two months, totalling $150.00. What happened to the rest of the money? Well, he feels justified in spending it on whatever he feels, because he is working and I am not.
Then, in his "just" mind, he would call me up and ask me "What's goin' on?" every other day or so, like I had to report to him. He would tell me that he loved me, ask when he could come out, and expect us to drop whatever we were doing whenever he beckoned. This went on for a long time. I waited for some commitment, some overture of romance (flowers?--never), a date night, some kind of substantial help, anything to prove his intentions besides the words which he spoke, which, we all know, are cheap. Love is action, not words. Action isn't something he's really good at. He's much better at cheap talk.
Fast forward to last month. I was tired of being blown off or having to ask for help from him for stuff that rightfully, he owed us. I filed for child support. All I got from him was guilt, anger and manipulation, including the "we ought to be a family" BS. Then, out of the blue, last weekend, he told me that he "missed me, he loves us, he's lonely, he doesn't talk to anyone but us, and he's tired of being alone". Fine, I thought. I called him and invited him to come over because I wanted to sit down and talk to him. I actually felt that he was being honest. My mistake. Two days later, I needed help with some money for groceries. I was disappointed that he didn't offer anything. I knew he had been paid, but yet there was no talk of sending us anything. I was angry. I called him up. He said, "You must be angry about my Facebook page". What?! I went online and looked up his page, and saw that he changed his relationship status to "in a relationship". I thought he was talking about me. I was wrong. He wasn't. To say that he ripped my heart (again) in two would be an understatement. I felt betrayed. I was knocked down and kicked in the teeth. I had been faithful to him for the last ten years, but it was not reciprocated.
So here's my point. Today, I am making a commitment to myself and my daughter. The next time I ask God to bring me a man, I am going to be more specific. I am going to make sure that I include "loyal, kind and generous" in my prayer. I believe that's where I went wrong.
This experience has been terribly painful for me, and has been a blow to my daughter, who all this time was hoping that her father and I would get back together and be a family. It was a blow to her too. She listened to his promises and was disappointed. He had the nerve to ask me, "How long did you think I'd wait?". I think he owes me at least ten years.
I am commited today, and for the duration, to working out every other day, on top of the bike riding and walking that I already do, because I quit smoking two years to dance again. I've been waiting my whole adult life to dance like I used to, and I'm in good shape, but I know that I can do better. I want to be a knock-out, with men chasing me like they used to, and be confident like I used to be, before I met the liar. In my twenties and thirties, I could have any man I wanted, and I often did, aside from the eight years that I chose to be celibate.
A very long time ago, when I was eighteen, I sat next to a very attractive jazz musician in my Business Law class in college. He was sweet on me. He was gorgeous and smart and kind. Instead of choosing him, I chose the asshole who beat on me. It was one of the biggest mistakes that I have ever made. I settled. I won't ever make that mistake again. NEVER SETTLE!!!!!
Another commitment I have made is to go back to school and update my training to become a paralegal. I've already enrolled in the program, and am currently working on the process of getting it going. I have a B.A. already, and the paralegal program would put me in the professional circles that I want to be in. I will NEVER, EVER again, settle for anything less than what I deserve, because folks, life is short. I'm 47 now, and I'm not going to waste another minute of time on a man who is less than what I want.
I'm loyal, Christian, a vegetarian, a great mom, hard working and faithful. I deserve the best that life and God have to offer, and ladies, I know you're great and deserve more too. Bad things happen to good people, it's true, but I'm a scrapper and I have TREMENDOUS faith that my life is just beginning, beginning with a commitment to live a better life. I encourage you all to make the most of this life. Don't waste your time settling for less.
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