Purpose

Sometimes, when I get down, when things get rough, I need what I call "a punch in the arm".  There are a few people on my list who can do this service for me.  I am grateful for my friends who listen and offer something that I didn't see before.  Sometimes I can do it for myself by watching Joyce Meyer or Joel Osteen, who always seem to be sharing a message that is relevant to me.  Sometimes, God points out to me some little tidbit that reminds me that He's there and knows what I'm going through.

Recently, I've been going through a rough patch.  Financially, I've been struggling, and the relief that I was looking for didn't come, which means more struggling.  After struggling for a while (months, maybe even years), one can get down and wonder "when are things going to get better"?  If things happen for a reason and a season, it's hard sometimes to keep one's spirits up and keep going when there's no end in sight.

I'm going to share a little secret with you--sometimes I feel like a failure as a mother.  It's not because I don't feed or clothe my kid, or that I don't love her, it's because I see where we could be, and how life would be easier for her if we didn't live where we do.  This is hard to admit, because I have been driven all of these years to find a way for us to get out of here.  The economy is bad.  Jobs are so scarce here that 150 people line up for a crappy job at a fast food restaurant.  It is very discouraging.  On top of that, my vehicle is not reliable--it's 20 years old and  falling apart.  We live 30 miles from anywhere, so having a good vehicle to find work elsewhere is imperative.  When the car breaks down, life becomes more difficult, and I become more discouraged.

But here's the thing, the very thing that pulled me out of my funk recently.  I realized that time is short.  Sounds like a cliche' but it's very true.  I figured that at my age, 46, if I was lucky enough to live until I turned say, 70, that I only have 25 or so years left.  When I look at my daughter and realize this, I give her a big hug.  I realize that I need to make the most of my time with her, no matter what our financial situation is.  While I would have liked to be married like my cousins, living in the suburbs, with a big house, a pool, pets and all the other trappings of suburban life, God led me here, to this place.  And while I hate this place, I have something to be grateful for today--my daughter.

No matter how much life gets you down, you can find something to be grateful for too.  Time is finite, and we need to make the most of our time here, because life is too short.  Life is too short for lies and games, and life is too short for sulking about what we don't have.  Sure, we all want our kids to have a better life than we had growing up, but sometimes that's just not in the cards, and we have to make the best of what we do have.  So ok, we don't live where we want to and have a "normal" life like others we know, but we have something, we have eachother.  Sometimes you just have to be grateful for that, because that's all we have to hang on to.  

It keeps me grounded, knowing that my time here on earth is finite.  It helps me to stay focused.  I can get down, just like anyone, but I keep getting back up.  A close friend once told me he liked that about me;  life keeps knocking me on my butt, but I keep getting back up and when I do, I fight even harder.  God wants us to have a life that we can enjoy.  He said that he sent his only son for us, that we may have and enjoy our lives.  

Yesterday, I read an article in National Geographic about Bangladesh.  Bangladesh is a very poor country, which is flooded on a regular basis.  The people who live there have learned to be resilient.  No matter what hardships they face, they have learned to adapt.  They teach us all to let go of our comfort zones, and remember whence we came.  People have survived on this planet for a long time before our modern conveniences made life "easier".  These modern conveniences have cost us dearly, with our environmental issues, stress, financial instability, isolation from one another.  I was brought up to believe that these conveniences were the purpose of my life, and that I should do all that I was capable of doing in order to get them for my own family, so now when we are limited, I feel like a failure, like I didn't do what I was put here to do.

It's not true however.  Life isn't about the pursuit of comfort--it's about moving society forward as a whole, to be part of a larger community.  I now believe that I was put here to "stick up for the little guy".  I've seen myself do it so many times, when no one else would, that I know that God gave me a few of my talents for that purpose, because I have what it takes.  

I have a hard time, sometimes, because I start to compare myself to others, thinking "what did I do to deserve this"?  It's easy to follow the self-pitying path, but here again, I encourage each one of you to keep your focus, and do something nice for someone today, just to piss the devil off, because he'd much rather we all sit around feeling sorry for ourselves.

Never Give Up

If I really believed in the saying "one day at a time", which I do, then I would have to say that it has been a blessing to remember that life goes on, one day at a time, no matter where we are or what we're doing or what's going on in our own lives.


The days of our lives can be lived in peace or fear, or somewhere between.  If I was the fearful type, I would look at the last couple of years and conclude that life is only going to get harder.  Sometimes  it is harder to cope with.  Sometimes the troubles just get to be so piled on top of eachother that I simply feel the weight of all of them.  Other times, I feel light.  I realize, though, that I don't often live in complete peace.  It just hasn't been possible to live in complete peace here.  I know that spiritually, I need to remain at peace if at all possible.


This past weekend marks the 1 year anniversary of an event that has affected my life very profoundly.  A year ago, my life was adversely affected by something that was out of my control, as those things usually are.  The people responsible do not have to live with the consequences of their actions in as much as a personal way that I do.  Every day is more difficult, thanks to the thoughtless actions of others, and now they want me to pay for their mistake.


If you're puzzled, I am mortified.  Yesterday I received the news through my attorney that I did not succeed in gaining access to a surgical procedure to fix my shoulder and rotator cuff from an "accident" that I suffered last year.  The people responsible for my condition do not have to live in my shoes, raise my daughter, and deal with crushing poverty that I have to contend with on a daily basis.  Recently I had a choice to make--Christmas or phone bill?  I chose Christmas, again.  Then the fuel pump on my 20 year old car died.  After raising the money (with the help of a dear friend) for the part, and imposing on my beloved brother (again) to fix the darn thing, I almost had a tow for the car up to my brother's house, but it fell through.  Meanwhile, we've been sick and it's getting cold here, so now life's been generally harder.


I am not one to give up, but I get discouraged too.  This is when we have to thank God for working for us behind the scenes, opening doors for us where none are open.


"It is what it is, so now we need to deal with it."  I heard this in a sermon by Joyce Meyer within the last week.  Sometimes, when life feels like we're climbing a mountain, we need to remember that we can only climb one step at a time, that we shouldn't look down, and keep moving forward.  That's all.  If I can be productive today, great.  If all I get done are three things that I need to do, terrific!  Sometimes that's all we've got.


Today I'm going to do the best that I can, and like my dad said a long time ago, "As long as you tried your best you can sleep at night".  He was right.  I have no trouble sleeping.  When I hit the pillow, it's not too long until I'm out.  I guess I can be thankful for that too.  Some can't sleep.


Here's another tidbit I learned, and I've shared with others:  When Plan A doesn't work, try Plan B.  If Plan B doesn't work, have a Plan C, like Nancy Botwin.  Never give up! 

Just Another Day

Yes, it's just another day here in lovely Bourbonnais...  It's been a while since I've written, so, I'm going to start out with a simple, here's how it is here today.


Today is a new day, and it is sunny and cool here.  Last night, after getting dressed up in her costume, my daughter decided that she wanted to go trick-or-treating taking the same route that we did last year.  This year it was a bit more difficult to do, riding on her bike (with me rolling both bikes along, lol, as she made her way from house to house, block after block) while wearing her long, black dress with the moons and stars on it.  She didn't want that dress, she wanted another dress which made her look schlumpy, so at first she was taking her disappointment out on me by being generally disagreeable.


Recently I picked up a book from the library called "Dr. Rilley's Box of Tricks".  It has been a very useful book in giving this writer ideas on how to cope with my daughter's new "phase" of disagreeing with just everything I say, mostly using the phrase, "I don't care".  Little tidbits like, "the shut-up" problem and how to deal with it, have been very helpful...;-).


I've spent the last few weeks contending with the results of some tests that we went to the allergy doctor for.  Alas, bad news.  My daughter's allergic to a slew of inconvenient allergens in the air at one point or another, pretty much all year long.  Dust mites (and their body parts) are her main allergy, followed closely by mold, tobacco, beef, shellfish, ragweed (and associated weeds), farmdust (which includes a whole slew of things)....whew, was that all of them?!


Well, all this meant that I had some work to do.  First was convincing my daughter that getting a shot once a week was a good idea for the long haul, which is not easy, lol, considering we're talking about a 7 year old.  That was the easy part.  The hard part was getting the whole place cleaned, and everything in it and through it (the ducts!) cleaned and disinfected.  Needless to say, I've found dust in places I didn't know had dust.  Now comes the expenditures:  the bedding covers, the clean air machine and the vacuum cleaner with the HEPA filter, oh, and not to mention the vent cover filters.  I can tell you, the only thing to do in a case like this is to, of course, take one day at a time.  


It brought to mind an episode of one of my favorite shows, Northern Exposure.  Maggie, a character on the show, is allergic to dust mites, and she goes crazy trying to clean, steam and cover everything in plastic, and I thought of the couch my parents bought in like, 1972.  They covered it in plastic, as did my grandma with her furniture.  That was what they did to protect the furniture.  You could sit on it, but you could never feel the texture of the material, you always felt disconnected from the piece.  My grandma, by the way, was an excellent seamstress.  She was the one who actually made those plastic slipcovers, along with shades, sweaters, scarves and other things that I can't even remember now.  When she came over with her supplies, you knew you were going to be hooked up with 'da goods!  I'll say another thing about her, she showed her love for you by making sure you had enough "good food".  If you went over to her house, you could be sure there'd be jello with fruit cocktail in it (or banana slices), and there'd be some homemade apple pie or chocolate cake for dessert!


I miss my grandma, she is so awesome!  She's gone now, but I know she's gonna be there on the other side to give me a big hug someday and I'll give her a big one back!  She taught me a lot by her example, and that's truly what a good leader does, lead by example.


Will write again.  Right now, I need to put out this morning's fire, the milk money needs to get over to the school by 11:00, and the car's broken down, so I have to huff it on the bike.  Thank goodness it's nice out!  Have a lovely day all!