Connections

There are plenty of ways in which we're connected.  There's the obvious blood ties, friendships, governments, churches, etc.  There's also a bigger connection.  If every action causes an equal and opposite reaction, and energy is neither created nor destroyed, what I do affects the outcome somewhere, sometime to someone.


Here's an example.  In 1982, I went to a wake for a classmate.  I was 15, and I remember more about who was there than interacting with the grieving mother.  She was broken up.  Several years later, her new husband decides to purchase a lot at a campground in order to spend time with his new wife's grandsons, who lost their father to addiction, also one of the sons of the original mother.  Around that time, my mother and I go down to the same campground and pick out a spot of her own, for my brothers to camp and bring their friends.  It's next to the mother of the sons who died.  The two women meet and become friends.  Eventually my mother invites the other mother over for get-togethers, and we meet.  She is aware that I knew her son.


Years go by and the grandsons grow up and my brothers grow up.  I run into some trouble and end up taking over the property.  One day I find out that I am pregnant, which is very unfortunate because I just broke up with the father.  The other mother comes down that day and we talk, and she wants to help, to be a friend.  My daughter's father and I give it one last shot, which doesn't work. He ditches me at the hospital and I call the mother of the boys who died and she is present when I and the baby (thankfully didn't happen) run into trouble and almost die.  She is the first one to cradle my daughter in her arms.  


Her husband tries (in vain) to be the same kindly grandfather that he was to his wife's grandsons.  My daughter doesn't like the idea.  For most of the last 7 years, she has avoided him.  She didn't like his beard.  He tried and tried to befriend her.  We visited him in the hospital the week before he died.  He had been sickly the last few years and finally his heart gave out June 17th.  Attending the wake, the grandsons' mom spoke about the husband and the way he took her boys under his wing and was kind to them.  He took them out to that campground just about every weekend every summer until he couldn't do it any more.


The boys have grown up now.  My daughter finally smiled at the husband the final time she saw him alive, and I truly hope that it brought the man a little comfort.


Make a difference in a kid's life today, you'll never regret it at the end.  I hear people don't count their money at the end of their lives, they count their blessings.

That 70s Show

I sort of imagine time and space together, you know?  Time travels backwards in space, like in the opening of the movie Contact, when a television signal is traced back through time and space, travelling at the speed of the wave.  At the speed that the camera was going, backing up from a point in time on the Earth, backwards, as if zooming out from some giant celestial camera (maybe much like our own Hubble telescope), I am not sure if it was a sound wave or at light speed.  


Cold Case Files is much the same way for me, with the accompaniment of era-appropriate background music.


Somewhere in time (in the late 70s) I was blessed to meet a new friend.  She was new at school, and didn't really know anyone, and we became friends.  She came from a big family, and they didn't live too far away that they were only accessible by car.  It was exciting for me to get time to be by her house.  She had 4 brothers, 2 younger and 2 older, and a younger sister.  Their mom was strict, and their dad was easy-going.  They had a big back yard with an above-ground pool.  They had Atari-which was brand new technology back then.


If we weren't playing a game, we were swimming, riding our bikes, playing pool in the basement, or waiting for our turn to play Space Invaders and Asteroids.  Those were our favorites.


They were used to having extra kids around, so 1 more didn't phase them too much.  It was a welcome reprieve from the strict micro-management style of parenting that I endured at home.  When there were more kids, I found out, things could be gotten away with that were otherwise under scrutiny in a not-so-busy household.


Sometimes they went out and would let me tag along for the controlled chaos.  It was fun being "just another kid" in their imperfect but lovable family.  As the years passed, and my friend and I attended high school, her older brothers became instrumental in our "teenage freedom".  When bribed and cajoled, one of her older "driving" brothers could take us to the mall, or somewhere else we didn't want parents to know about.  Once in a while, I would run late enough to need a quick ride home so that I didn't incur my father's wrath.  Sometimes I didn't make it and would regretfully be grounded for a week or two.


As time wore on, too, they became instrumental in having an excuse to hang around their friends.  Their friends would come over to play pool, a few of them became regulars at the house, and would occupy space in the giant, overloaded Chevy station wagon that was used for the family transportation.  My friend and I were perpetually vying for a back seat, not the"rear", hang-on-for-your-life "seat" that was the trunk.  Ah, the 70s, back before car seats and required seatbelts.


One brother was a crazier driver than the other, and you better hope that you're at the car before the others called dibs!


Eventually I came to have a crush on one of the brothers, and would look for any excuse to be around to "impress" him.  I became like Erkle, lol.  Time wore on and I wore him down, and one day another friend arranged for her boyfriend and her and I and him to all ditch school and spend the day in the woods, lol, doing all the things you don't want, lol, your teenaged daughter to be doing.


It's one of the times of my life that I can remember perfectly.  I can remember that the weather was perfect, sunny and warm, but not hot.  We acted as "natural" as we could, running for the corner, later called "party corner".  When we got there, we walked up the path, along the edge of the field, out of sight from anyone.  We sat down in the grass, and whew!, oh my...I have to stop here!  It is still as clear to me now as it was then.  I am transported back in time and can feel what I felt, see what I saw.


It was one of the few days of my life that I felt free.


We walked further into the woods, over a log that bridged a creek, around the bend, and voila!  You were at a fire pit.  We hung out there, in the woods, all day, until it was time to go home.  I wanted, after that, to recreate that feeling, but could never get it back.  A year later, I snuck out during a snowstorm, all bundled up and playing commando in the snowdrifts, lol, to sneak over to their house in the middle of the night to "steal" some time with him, but then my dad found my bundled up robe under my blanket and I was grounded for a month.


There is really nothing like the first kiss, you know?  It's either hot, or it's not...but when it's hot, MAN!  You can never really forget!


One time I made a complete ass of myself (lol, wouldn't be the first time, wouldn't be the last!) at a wedding trying desperately to get his attention...lol.  I don't remember what I did but I did it good.  It was the end of our relationship, and we really didn't communicate for another couple of years.


Alas, sigh...looking back now, with hindsight...I can see why I felt the need after that to "conquer and win".  I didn't want to feel that vulnerable again and I wanted control of the situation, so I detached emotionally.  It wasn't until much later that I let myself be vulnerable for the sake of attachment.  Unfortunately, it was to someone who "demanded" it of me and used it against me. It was, you guessed it, a-hole #1!


What does it all mean?  I guess it means that I didn't guard my heart when I should of.  I wanted approval from 2 people who weren't going to give it to me, and it left me feeling empty inside.  I did further damage to my spirit because I didn't take very good care of myself and wanted to win so badly (everyone hates to lose) that I ignored blatant warning signs warning me to back off.  Instead of trusting God to work things out for the best, I tried to force things to be "right".  It doesn't work.


All I can say is, I can close my eyes, and still have my sweet memory.  Maybe someday I'll be blessed with that kind of joy again, but this time, I won't have to hide.  

The One That Got Away

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.   Part of the reason that I write this blog is to enlighten others by using my life as an example of "what not to do".  


Tonight I watched a sermon about change (from Joyce Meyer ministries).  Joyce was making a point--that if we want change in our lives, we need to make changes.   We need to stop looking at the past because we won't see what God has laid before us for the future.  It makes sense.


Today I found out that someone whom I once loved is terminally ill.  If you've read my blog before, you know that I have two ex-fiances.  I didn't get married because I knew I'd be divorced by now, but I didn't mention another special someone.


I'll confess something...I fell in love with someone, hoping beyond all hope that things would work out between us because I was very attracted to this person.  It was something about him and the way he carried himself.  He spent time in the military, so he carried himself with respect.  His teeth were like Robert Redford's (back in the day), all neat and shiny and big.  The guy had a movie star smile.  He was tall and he had a six pack.  My one ex-fiance referred to him as "George with the six pack abs" because I confessed one day that I loved the guy.  He asked me what I found so attractive about him.  The first ex-fiance understood this, because he was the one who prodded me to read "The Harrod Experiment".  There was no sexual insecurity with us.  He compared me (mostly how I lacked) to Playboy centerfolds, and I found every beautiful boy toy to have sex with behind his back.  As my self-esteem dwindled, the boy toys became more "studly".   What dickhead #1 didn't understand was that he, in essence, drove me from his own arms with his mouth.


Anyway, after breaking up with dickhead #1, I moved closer to my family and home town.  I met George one night, as our eyes locked from across the room.  We gravitated towards eachother.  The attraction pulled us together.  George blew me away.  I wanted so badly for things to work out, but the more I wanted it to, the more it unraveled.


There's always one person who loves the other more in a relationship.  Unfortunately, my emotions gripped me as he rejected me.  He chose someone else.  It broke my heart.  Every time I saw him, I wanted to cry, to melt, to mourn.  I had to change my life and accept that my dream of us being a couple was just a dream.  It still hurts today, as if it were yesterday.  I remember an incident where I was at a friend's house, and he drove past on his motorcycle, and I started feeling sick.  I kept looking for some sign of hope, but none would come.  I finally gave up on men all together and spent the next 8 years alone.


A long, long time ago, I wanted a happy family.  I set out to make one.  I tried like hell to fit into everyone's box.  I did what I was supposed to do, and still I failed.  Many times, what God has planned for us is incredibly different than what we thought we wanted.  Recently, it has come (blatantly) to my attention that I need to change again.  I need to get beyond my own insecurities to become the leader that I need to be.  Did I say "need"?  Well, I am, a leader, that is.  Always have been really, just got knocked down for a while.  The qualities have always been there.


Before I came here I didn't know what it really meant to be poor in this country.  I've lived here since my conception, but I wasn't poor.  Oh, I've never been rich, but I didn't have a child to think of either.  I was spoiled in a way, because I had things and took them for granted.  Money talks, and while I've never had a lot, my looks and charm carried me where money left off.  I never had to be a single parent with no real outside help.  I never had to stand in the line for the food pantry, much less for a few toys for my kid for Christmas.


Becoming a single mother was an exhausting exercise in humility, because believe me, people treat you a whole lot different when you don't have the Benjamins.  I've been lied to, used, treated like a zoo animal, scorned upon and pitied.  There are ways that we treat others we judge that I was previously oblivious to.  Now I've found out what it's like.  


That was the change that God saw for me, way back when.  I wasn't going to get my "happy family" with my looks, or with my money.  I was going to get my wish, just not how I wanted it.  


Even still, I cry at the thought of missing the opportunity of sharing my life with someone I truly cared about.  I hug my daughter tightly, knowing that she may be the only family I may have for the rest of my life--but I still have the rest of my life.  Someone is out there that I still have feelings for and he's going to leave the Earth without knowing how I ever felt about him, and that makes me sad.  Maybe he didn't deserve it, maybe he didn't ask me to love him, but that won't change anything.  Today, the only person I know that I can change is myself, and it hurts.  Knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.


I know I'm not supposed to look back Lord, and wish for things to have been different, and I know why things worked out the way that they did, but I still wish, stupidly I know, that he loved me too.