Being a teenager is not easy. It's not easy on the kid, who's clueless, and on the parents, teachers and everyone who is around them. Being a goofy, naive girl is fun when you're a teenager. The world holds possibilities, the future looks bright.
Sometimes I feel that my life has been like a Cold Case File. I can remember bits and pieces of the past, but I've done a pretty good job at trying to forget my years as a teenager. I was a hot mess. I didn't know it then, but I had years of therapy in front of me to try to make peace with myself and my memories.
What I regret the most is the loss of my innocence, my hopes and dreams. About the time I turned 11, I started to mature into a woman. My brother was born. My mom was trying to keep up, and my dad was out with "the guys", picking up women and drinking. At about this time, things got worse between my dad and me.
I discovered he was having an affair while I was riding my bike to the drug store to buy him a father's day card. The pretty blonde in the front seat was not my mother, and I never saw her before. After I heard my parents arguing about my dad giving my mom the clap, I lost respect for my father, and wanted my parents to divorce. My mother had my other little brother the following year. I became my dad's favorite target, and there was no escape, even though I tried to run. That was about the time I started a yearly jaunt to leave Illinois.
I ran and ran, I sought solace in every nook and cranny I could find. I became self-destructive.
But there were my friends.
I had friends. I loved them. I could escape my private hell and just be a girl with them. We plotted together, they helped me get out of the house and away from my dad. When my dad started in on my brothers, I began to drag them with me too. My friends were patient and kind. They listened to me rage and supported me when I cried. They were my secret underground.
There were a few that I was especially close to: Kerry Lyons, Barb Oehman, Tracy McManus, Shelly Morgan, Amy Viano, Lisa Kennedy to name a few. We went rollerskating together, went to the movies, school dances, parties. We laughed alot. There are girls that I can't place. There are only remnants of faces that I can't remember. I wish I could remember. Paula Gow shared her lunch with me sometimes. She got me out of trouble once, and I never got to repay her. Gabby Vlach was a sweet girl. See, there's only one problem with trying to forget the bad things, you forget the happiness too.
I tried to go back when I could, before the internet. I looked girls up when I would come into town. I went to the places they used to live, but they were gone. Some of my friends wrote things in my yearbook, the only one I could afford to buy, my junior (and last) yearbook. I treasured that yearbook, because during the sad times, I could remember those goofy girls. The memory of them made me strong enough to carry on. Designing women had a show once about a goofy girl who was a friend of Jean Smart's character, who was getting knocked around and knocked down by her husband. Jean Smart's character reminded the woman that she was a rowdy girl, and that she had the strength she needed to leave the man. When I saw that episode, back then, I cried. I knew what they were talking about...I had my rowdy girls too.
I remember Shelly Morgan's party. She was all smiles that day. She was so happy to have her friends over, listen to Journey, play games, and have pizza and ice cream. I can remember her smiling, enthusiastic face. Shelly understood me. I snuck out to have a cigarette, and she covered for me with her mom. She was cool. She was true blue.
After my parents did divorce, my life became a running nightmare. I was in a bad, bad relationship, in which the man I was with took over where my dad left off. I sought out Shelly a few times but couldn't find her. Her phone number was disconnected. Her mother had moved out of Arbury Hills. Years went by.
In 1993, after a particularly bad punch, I vowed to find a way to stay gone. By then I had hit bottom in my life. I was broke and beat down. I couldn't see a future any more. I begged my aunt to take me in. I went back to school. I moved back with my mom and brothers after that, wanting to be close to them again. My mom bought a house in Arbury. I walked through the neighborhood hoping to run into someone who knew shelly. My brothers wanted to get closer to me, but my mother did not. After that, we didn't have much of a relationship.
I finished my bachelor's degree and became a photographer. While I lived in Mokena, I searched for my old friends. My yearbook was gone by then. Former roommates locked me out and kept all of my stuff, everything was gone, the only remnants left of my childhood. The faces were gone and all of the wonderful things they said. John Capodice wrote, "It's been a slice". We had Foods class together. I thought he was being witty. Some people wrote that I had better not change...I wish I could have.
I changed. I lost my innocence working at a dive bar in Lemont. I lived on the dark side of life. Lost was the carefree girl listening to records and sneaking cigarettes. I smoked for 20 years. It took me 2 years to quit but I did. I finally found a reason to live.
Goodbye Shelly Morgan. I missed you. I'm sorry I didn't call or come back. We had years of friendship ahead of us and things changed. I'm sorry.
Goodbye Michele the girl. I missed you. I'm sorry I didn't call or come back. We had years of friendship ahead of us and things changed. I'm sorry.
In a twist of fate, God granted me a second chance at a "normal" family. In 2004, I had a baby girl, who is the sweetest, goofiest, smartest girl I could have. I tell her she is my favorite girl. She doesn't understand, but that's ok.
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