What drives us forward? Is it the desire to find love and happiness, the desire to achieve, the desire to see the future? What happens if you lose "your drive"? How do you find it? We all know (probably) by now that life is full of twists and turns, and they're generally supposed to teach us things about ourselves and life. What if you get stuck somewhere along the way, as most of us do, do you keep going forward, or which way is forward?
For a long time I thought I wanted to be married with a house and family near where I grew up. I moved around quite a bit during my adult life, and even moved back near to them, but it wasn't "where I belonged". Even though "everyone knew my name", I didn't feel it was home. It's weird, my cousin moved into the house right next door to her mother, but I couldn't do the same thing. For a while I wanted to move to Wyoming. Why Wyoming?
Well, for one thing, the state has more land than people, and as a landscape photographer, that appealed to me. Beautiful scenery and open spaces, fresh air. People appreciate eachother more when people are scarce too, you know? When you live out in the country, a neighbor is a treasured and respected friend. Neighbors become very important people in your life. I want to be able to see the stars at night, which is becoming increasingly difficult in our light polluted skies.
When I became a mother, I realized that I would have to put my kid's needs ahead of my own, which is why I give consideration to the fact that she wants to stay in her home town, here, but something is beckoning me to leave. It's like there is no "bearing of fruit" here anymore. Life has become a difficult struggle for survival, and in that arena, I can hold my own, but the stress gets to you after a while.
To make my point, and only to make my point, I will share "a day in the life of...".
Yesterday morning, at 1 o'clock, I was awoken by "(so and so's) so NASTY! HEY (so and so)!" At 9:30 a.m., there's a knock on the door. It's the maintenance man, who's 5 days late in coming, talking in Spanish on his cell phone (but who doesn't bother to call me to say he's coming), finally here to unclog my bathroom sink. And what does he do? He puts on his pair of rubber gloves, grabs my bucket, asks me for some bleach, takes apart the pipe under the sink, (after my daughter and I have to clear the cabinet under the sink), and smells up the apartment slopping gook out of the pipe with my toilet paper. It was like he was looking at my underwear. I felt invaded. I'm never calling them for that again. I could have done better myself.
After things calm down again, I go downstairs to start cleaning the kitchen, and my daughter tells me someone is knocking on our door. The guy at the door wants to buy weed. I say to him, "Man, you've got the WRONG door!"
Money, what little drips in, arrived in the bank account, so we took off for the store to buy desperately needed paper goods. But, wait a minute! We can't go directly to the store because we'll run out of gas on the way there! It's below empty! Detour!
You see what I mean? After a while, life becomes about the performance, not the purpose. It's in times like these that I need to get back to the "why". Books can give insight and inspiration. Spending time away from things can give a new perspective. But the underlying theme remains. Yesterday, I read something thoughtful. An army sergeant and a lieutenant were in a bad situation and the sergeant remained cheerful. The lieutenant asked the sergeant why he was still so cheerful, even though the situation looked bleak. The sergeant said that when the circumstances are "fixed" (unchangeable), the only thing to change is our attitude towards them.
How, I wondered, could I change my attitude about being poor and living here? I am not from here, I don't like it here, I don't like the "ghetto mentality" that exists here. My heart is somewhere else. Then came a small voice with a suggestion. "Use this as a stepping stone." Joyce Meyer reminds people that "you are not your circumstances". She also says, and I know it's true, that people in the best of circumstances usually don't appreciate it and are not happy anyway. It's true, it's what's in your heart that is important. You take yourself with you where ever you go.
Have you ever heard of "The Secret"? The book/movie was featured on Oprah a few years ago. I was so inspired by the possibility of overcoming my circumstances by positive thinking and affirmations that I told all my best friends about it. I encouraged them. I wanted to see results. I wanted to believe. The premise is simple. If you are in need of money, instead of expecting another bill in the mail, start saying to yourself, "I have all the money that I need coming my way!" If you want to land that job, you would see yourself driving to work, performing essential functions, having lunch in the cafeteria.
Trouble is, I can't say to myself that "I love living here!" I've kept the mental attitude about the money thing, but as time wears on and opportunity hasn't arrived, I'm beginning to feel that those people are full of crap. I'm also beginning to believe that the book that I'm reading now is correct in saying that we need to be bold, try new things, do things that we're afraid of.
Contentment has to come from within too. Be happy with what you have and for your friends and family, right? It's true. Circumstances are only for a season. Despair is the real enemy. There are depressed and apathetic people everywhere. People go through the motions.
I want a new day. I want to wake up in a place that I want to be at. I want something to look forward to again, more than just my motherly duties. I am more than just a mother. I want a life outside of this crappy town, and that is what drives me today. I don't know how we're going to get there, but I have faith that God will open a door for me when it's my time. I just pray that it's soon.
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