I Can Do Bad All By Myself

About 10 years ago, I was a different person.  I finished up a stint in the Student Senate, got my degree, worked as a freelance photographer, worked as a store manager, and delivered pizzas on the weekends when I wasn't taking pictures.  I lived in an affluent area and there was never a shortage of work.  I never went more than 2 weeks without work.

There were so many awesome restaurants, theaters, and music venues that I never lacked for something to do or people to be with.  I had my friends.  I had boyfriends.  I had my family, we were pretty close.

One day, in July, I woke up from a dream.  I realized I was missing something.  For all that I had, I didn't see a way to get where I really, deep down, wanted to go.  I wanted a family of my own.  The biological clock was ticking, and working so much, I didn't see a way to make room for a family life.  I realized then that I wanted something more than just money, I wanted the whole "picket fence thing".  I didn't know how to get there.  The previous 8 years were spent with the nose to the grindstone, and when I woke up that morning, I uttered "I hate my life" to God.

Well, he heard me.  He had a plan for my life all along.  He knew my heart's desires, so my life took an unexpected turn.

Less than 2 weeks later, I went to work as usual.  Towards the end of my shift, the police came into the store.  I was mortified when they told me that my mother's house had been raided, and they suggested that I was dealing drugs.  They questioned me and arrested me.

Turns out, they were after my brother.  They arrested him too.  We had warned him, several times, pleaded with him, but he didn't listen.  I was horrified to find out that they found paraphernalia in my room.  After spending a week in jail, they dropped all of the charges except one, the paraphernalia charge.  I took the supervision, did my community service and everything turned out okay.  They didn't want me, they wanted a dealer, and when they found out that I wasn't who they were looking for, they let me go.

I take responsibility for my own actions.  I was never, ever a dealer.

The event changed my life.  Suddenly, I lost one of my jobs, my home, one of my cats was missing, and I didn't know where I was going.  I was lost and incredibly sad.  I was forced to pick myself up, get my things and move on.  I moved in with a friend for the next month and saved every penny and got my own place.  Humiliation was a constant companion.  My friends were supportive, but I knew a door had closed.

Another job came along, and I worked 2 jobs again.  For the next 6 months, I kept my nose to the grindstone.  On New Year's Eve that year, I asked God to bring me a man.  (I say now that I should have been more specific--"Good man, kind man, who has himself together, not an addict", next time, lol).  Then Nermal, my cat died and I met my daughter's father.  I was going to marry Johnnie and I called the family one day to tell them the good news--out in the wilderness, I had found love and was going to get married.  My mother cried for 2 days I heard.  It was an unexpected reaction, at first I couldn't figure out why she would be sad.  Then I realized it was because Johnnie had brown skin.

I was comfortable with my decision, (until the day I broke my elbow falling off my bike because Johnnie had taken my car up to Chicago and was f%$*ing another woman in the back seat of it, while I had no way to get to work) until things changed again.  He told me that he was in a relationship with someone in the city, he ended it, and was prepared to "make good" to me. I wasn't sure.  Really, I should never have given him another chance.  I felt alone in the wilderness, and didn't want to be.  

Funny during all that time, God was giving me what I wanted, but I couldn't see that, nor did I thank him.

After I broke my elbow, I couldn't work with one hand.  One of my bosses let me keep delivering pizzas on the weekends to feed myself, but I relied more and more on Johnnie.  I lost the apartment when I couldn't keep up with the rent, the car payment, the credit card, and all the other bills.  I hit a deer in the wilderness, lost $7,000 on the deal, and eventually lost the new car because they repo'd it while the insurance company and the finance company argued over whether my gap insurance covered the payments.  So we moved further into the wilderness.  When I regained the use of my right arm, I pursued a way out.

I secured work, took Johnnie to work, and took care of us.  Things didn't get better with Johnnie. He was deeply addicted to cocaine.  I didn't know then what I know now.  He would trick me sometimes, take my car and disappear for the weekend with all the money.  It left me devastated.  I kicked him out.  A couple of weeks later, I found out I was going to be a mom.

WOW!  Not good timing!  Everyone (just about) talked me out of marrying him.  Everyone felt I wouldn't be able to raise a kid on my own, it was just too hard.  When I told Johnnie, he begged me to give him one last chance, for the sake of our child.  He got an apartment, went to work, but the addiction never slowed.  I just landed up taking care of the 3 of us.  One day he said, "If you don't like it, get the f%$& out".   

When I was 6 months pregnant, I took out a little "insurance policy".  I signed up on the waiting list for the place I'm at now-a subsidized apartment complex, where it didn't matter how low your income was.  After he said that, I moved out.  I never looked back.  

Since then, I drove him to rehab, helped him get back to work (again), helped him in any way that I could, for the sake of our kid.  Still didn't work.  He was going to hit bottom, no matter what I did.  I prayed that God would take him from us, because life had become "avoiding Johnnie" and his craziness.  One day, he stole my last $20 bucks, and I just started a new job and needed the money for gas.  In order to get the money back, he made a deal with a guy and the guy didn't pay him what he owed him.  This set Johnnie off, and he broke into the guys apartment (while he was in there), tied him up, and when the guy didn't have his money, he stabbed him.

The news came a few days later.  He's been in prison since then.  He writes me every 2 weeks, first apologies, the pleads, finally, now, he's clean and sober, ready to make a new start.

But this story isn't about Johnnie.  It's about me, God and Tabitha.  You see, God knew all along what was coming.  Through it all, for richer or poorer, he was there beside me.  He was there through all the sleepless nights I layed awake crying.  He was there.

Recently, as things turned bad again, I was very angry.  I was angry about the way things are, that we are struggling so much, that we are so poor, and it felt like no one cared.  Things are bad all over.  I felt alone again, with a child in tow.  I felt lost and afraid.  For the last week I've been trying to pick myself up off the floor and find hope somewhere.  Then inspiration came last night through a comedic film called "I Can Do Bad All By Myself" by Tyler Perry.

Ohh, I can relate to that title.  The movie was okay, but it opened my eyes (thank you God) to something.  The main character in the movie was a woman, lost much like I was.  When her sister's kids showed up at her door one day, she wanted to run the other way.  She was unhappy deep down, but didn't want to admit it.  The kids (and a handsome handyman) showed her that she was capable of so much more than she previously strived for.

See, it made me realize something.  It didn't matter that she wasn't prepared for motherhood.  Motherhood was prepared for her, and once she made the commitment, she would be fine.  Actually, she married the handyman and adopted the kids!  It reminded me of that 80s movie where the career woman suddenly finds herself a mom, checks out of corporate life to raise the baby, then starts her own baby food company.

Growth comes through adversity and self-realization.  Suddenly, I realized that it didn't matter if we are poor (now).  I had the greatest gift that God could bestow upon me--a family of my own, someone to love and cherish, who loves me back!  As a mother, I now make sense, and even if the world is beating me down, God gave me the greatest gift of all--love, in more ways than one.