Many years ago, a survival skill I learned was control. In order to survive in a place where I never knew what to expect, I learned to expect the worst. When the worst came, I wasn't disappointed. You see, before then, I was surprised when the worst happened. I was surprised when a large hand would strike my small cheek. It hurt more than just my cheek. I felt vulnerable when I didn't expect to get hit and then I would get hit about the head. It was always my head. Time went on, and as I trusted them to take care of me less and less, I learned about control. Control was necessary to keep me safe. As my former therapist would say, what kept me alive then has now become a hindrance. At the time, I knew this intellectually but didn't quite feel it. I wasn't ready to let go.
A couple of years ago I had a disturbing dream. In the dream, I was standing and talking to someone (another mother) by a pool, while the kids were running around playing on the grass. My kid came up to me and was hiding behind me in order to avoid being tagged. The other kid came up and excitedly pushed on my kid just enough as to cause her to plunge backwards into the pool. I then turned to the kid and asked him what he did that for and then dove into the pool to fetch my kid out. I woke up then, terrified. The feeling wouldn't leave me for days and finally, out of desparation, I started calling everyone I knew and asked them to pray for my daughter's safety. It worried me for a week. I wanted to do something, anything to see the outcome.
When I was 16, I taught swimming lessons to younger kids. One day, when none of the adults were paying attention, my 3 year old brother jumped into the deep end of the pool and was at the bottom of the pool when I spotted him. I jumped in to fish him out and got the water out of his lungs, and luckily, he was ok.
I didn't get the same feeling about what happened with my daughter. I didn't feel like I was able to save her from getting hurt. That's what really bothered me. I wanted to save her but couldn't.
Flash forward to today. My daughter takes karate classes at a local martial arts school. A couple of months ago, a boy started in the class, and he has Asperger's Syndrome. It's a type of obsessive/compulsive behavior disorder, when you can't break a pattern. Gee, sounds like an issue I can relate to. I realize, after spending some time around these people, that they are the people that I saw in this dream by the pool. Very strange. I was weirded out for a couple of minutes, but that's the serendipitous part of this thing. When speaking with the boy's grandfather, I realize that the boy wasn't something or someone I should fear, he's just a little boy.
Well, I had two choices. Either I could try to control the outcome of the perceived danger, which really isn't a choice, the same issue will rear it's ugly head again later, or trust.
Trust. I had to think about that one for a while. God showed me something (as I feel I am blessed). A couple of years ago I was afraid-afraid of losing my daughter, afraid something terrible could happen to her, afraid that I couldn't save her. Now, I am not afraid. Today, when I realized that it was the boy in my kid's class that I saw in my dream, I didn't feel panic. Sure, at first, as old habits die hard, I thought of fleeing. But then I realized, this boy has no control over his impulses, and I could keep my daughter safe by avoiding that situation, and keeping an extra eye out. That's all any of us can do. We can't keep our children safe from what happens to them in the world. We have to trust that God will keep our children safe, that he has them in the palm of his hand.
Today, I learned what "let go and let God" means. He's not going to let me down. He wanted to show me the difference between living afraid and living in the peace of trusting in Him. It's not something that I can do easily, but it's a start.
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